Tuesday, 27 September 2016
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Theia modelling knitted cardi from Mrs Farman's pattern
Nice job Nanujaan, the cardigan is lovely, and Aletheia is clearly destined to be a catalogue model ....
Mrs Farman knows how to write a pattern, that's for sure. I call this one the Bamboléo ..... 
Friday, 20 September 2013
Crocheting legwarmers/babylegs for Theia
Lovely pattern here, plus links to any tutorials:
http://www.crazysockscrochet.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/crochet-pattern-baby-legwarmers.html
or here http://stitch11.com/6-month-owl-baby-legs-and-hat-set/
http://www.crochetme.com/blogs/tags/hdc2tog/default.aspx
http://www.crochetme.com/glossary/
http://www.crazysockscrochet.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/crochet-pattern-baby-legwarmers.html
or here http://stitch11.com/6-month-owl-baby-legs-and-hat-set/
http://www.crochetme.com/blogs/tags/hdc2tog/default.aspx
http://www.crochetme.com/glossary/
Friday, 13 September 2013
Thursday, 29 August 2013
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Cloth Nappy wishlist from nappyeverafter.co.uk
Cloth Nappy wishlist
Shopping Basket
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Friday, 26 July 2013
PND again
Parenting with a personality disorder is tough anyway. My depression on top of the usual up/down cycling is proving hard to manage. Sertraline, my current breastfeeding-friendly antidepressant is not cutting it. The dreams, flashbacks and horrible ideation episodes are really messing with me. My strategy is to keep knitting, playing sushi rush, sleeping, listening to the radio (Good Wives has been on IPlayer, and now there is Trollope's The American Senator) and I have my books to read on Kindle. I listen to The Archers, but TV is a bit too much. Don't watch that.
I have to keep away from T sometimes. It's a detachment that is so empty and ugly. The pain and guilt follows.
We've seen a good psychiatrist today, the switchover back to Venlafaxine has been organised. I have drug strategies and strategies to manage my emotions, things to do when there is a void of emotions. The psychiatric nurse, health visitor and SureStart lady should all be spending time with me each week.
The aims for me will shift all the time I expect - staying safe, getting well, enjoying life, participating in life - depending on how well I am each day, hour, minute .....
Depressing in itself, that.
Of course it's possible to see the shifting aims as positive, empowering, hopeful etc. I just can't see or feel that.
Am numb a lot, empty an awful lot, sad and guilty too - not guilty as in done something bad, just guilty of being someone with not much going for them, or sometimes someone who is a bad-stuff magnet, polluting innocent kids lives.
I have to keep away from T sometimes. It's a detachment that is so empty and ugly. The pain and guilt follows.
We've seen a good psychiatrist today, the switchover back to Venlafaxine has been organised. I have drug strategies and strategies to manage my emotions, things to do when there is a void of emotions. The psychiatric nurse, health visitor and SureStart lady should all be spending time with me each week.
The aims for me will shift all the time I expect - staying safe, getting well, enjoying life, participating in life - depending on how well I am each day, hour, minute .....
Depressing in itself, that.
Of course it's possible to see the shifting aims as positive, empowering, hopeful etc. I just can't see or feel that.
Am numb a lot, empty an awful lot, sad and guilty too - not guilty as in done something bad, just guilty of being someone with not much going for them, or sometimes someone who is a bad-stuff magnet, polluting innocent kids lives.
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Sunday, 21 July 2013
We've done it. She's breastfeeding (boob-style)
I'm dozing off after all that feeding .... she did a whole feed properly. Couldn't have done it without Iain helping with the other breast.
Thursday, 18 July 2013
Making baby gowns from t shirts
http://thismamamakesstuff.com/tutorial-rockin-baby-gown-t-shirt-refashion/
http://makezine.com/craft/how-to_refashion_t-shirt_to_ba/
http://patternshmattern.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/t-shirt-into-baby-gown.html
http://prudentbaby.com/2012/05/baby-kid/how-to-turn-any-t-shirt-into-a-sundress/
http://makezine.com/craft/how-to_refashion_t-shirt_to_ba/
http://patternshmattern.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/t-shirt-into-baby-gown.html
http://prudentbaby.com/2012/05/baby-kid/how-to-turn-any-t-shirt-into-a-sundress/
Breastfeeding Theia
I'm a breastfeeding mum, a person who breastfeeds. I don't wonder why anymore, I just know it is who I am. One of the things I do that make me who I am.
Breastfeeding Theia is hard, even harder than breastfeeding is anyway. Her mouth is so small, she tires so soon, she gets too hungry to not opt for the bottle. Emotionally it tears me apart, often.
I pump, I feed, I bottle feed.
I need to help my little girl.
Breastfeeding Theia is hard, even harder than breastfeeding is anyway. Her mouth is so small, she tires so soon, she gets too hungry to not opt for the bottle. Emotionally it tears me apart, often.
I pump, I feed, I bottle feed.
I need to help my little girl.
Friday, 12 July 2013
a remarkable moment, looking at Theia looking at me
it happened late at night. we cuddled and she looked, and she looked, really gazing, not seeking milk. Lovely to see her love me without the food factor involved.
Monday, 8 July 2013
Baby bundler/sleepsacks
Here's something to make ..
http://www.running-w-scissors.com/2011/02/tutorial-baby-sleep-sack.html
http://www.running-w-scissors.com/2011/02/tutorial-baby-sleep-sack.html
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
best things July 3rd
Best, most awesome things from today include -
James giving so much love to T, including moving a chair close to the moses basket, clambering on to it, and leaning carefully in with my support to stroke her hair, and he shared it with me, cuddling and smiling and holding hands.
Theia, just her being in the world
Jaan when he saw me this evening
Walking with Ee
Breastfeeding with my sister's support
The tutu babygro chosen by Tanyapa & Brishti
Zain holding Theia, and Brishti doing the same
Mamma trying to resist sneaking in to our bedroom to peek in the baby hammock
Singing la cu caraccha in the morning with Iain for so long Mamma had to tell us to get out the bathroom, Jaan needed to get ready
My dad trying his best to be supportive, asking me if I'm coping
Theia's tenacity with breastfeeding
James giving so much love to T, including moving a chair close to the moses basket, clambering on to it, and leaning carefully in with my support to stroke her hair, and he shared it with me, cuddling and smiling and holding hands.
Theia, just her being in the world
Jaan when he saw me this evening
Walking with Ee
Breastfeeding with my sister's support
The tutu babygro chosen by Tanyapa & Brishti
Zain holding Theia, and Brishti doing the same
Mamma trying to resist sneaking in to our bedroom to peek in the baby hammock
Singing la cu caraccha in the morning with Iain for so long Mamma had to tell us to get out the bathroom, Jaan needed to get ready
My dad trying his best to be supportive, asking me if I'm coping
Theia's tenacity with breastfeeding
She's home
In the end a chastened (or perhaps chicken-shit scared) discharge team organised the Midgley exodus from SCBU without any meeting etc that I would have to go thru.
Leaving the building, the whole world looked different to me, I felt whole. Extraordinary moment.
We did plenty, attempting to reinforce the love in my life, in Theia's and all 4 of ours' life (for want of a better way of expressing it). First stop 1A Crowthorne Close to see the clan, including Tanyapa + brood. Then we took Tanyapa with us to get Jaan's Tiny Tigers badge sewn on (by Tanyapa) as I hadn't done it yet ... ceremony was on Saturday you see ... and we went on to Tiny Tigers, Mamma and the 3 grandkids were there, was nice to show Theia off.
The numbness surrounded me, a protective bubble, detachment that wasn't controlling me. Just as well. The idea that I take T out and about prompted one friend and of course my Olds to tell me it's a bad idea as she's vulnerable.
Today I had a good day ... right up until the evening when things started to show visible cracks to me. The Olds keep telling me how shit my choices are. There's a view out there that I don't know what risks I am taking and shouldn't be in charge of a baby's photo let alone an actual baby. Deeply, deeply hurtful, annoying and offensive. On so many levels.
The reflected loathing of my self, by my self, is hard to experience, not helped by Theia's pathetic breast feeding (bottles play a starring role in every feed), and Jaan's current habit of defying me and being sulky/spiteful just as a way of speaking, with 'Mummy I love you' sprinkled throughout his monologues/barked orders/rants, in a way that starts to seem empty after a while, or is that just the numbness...
I love Jaan so much, and wait with as much grace, patience, manners and numbness as I can muster, for when he forgets the BS and engages with me. Even more, I soak up the cuddles when he deems it time for such things. Theia is absorbing, she's a completely saturating experience. Literally sometimes what with all the milk I'm making. She is very good. Does as I would hope to expect - demands cleanliness, nourishment and society, sleeps a lot, keeps to her own natural timetable. I am glad for her.
Once again I suspect the thing to do is keep my head down. Might just avoid naysayers.
Leaving the building, the whole world looked different to me, I felt whole. Extraordinary moment.
We did plenty, attempting to reinforce the love in my life, in Theia's and all 4 of ours' life (for want of a better way of expressing it). First stop 1A Crowthorne Close to see the clan, including Tanyapa + brood. Then we took Tanyapa with us to get Jaan's Tiny Tigers badge sewn on (by Tanyapa) as I hadn't done it yet ... ceremony was on Saturday you see ... and we went on to Tiny Tigers, Mamma and the 3 grandkids were there, was nice to show Theia off.
The numbness surrounded me, a protective bubble, detachment that wasn't controlling me. Just as well. The idea that I take T out and about prompted one friend and of course my Olds to tell me it's a bad idea as she's vulnerable.
Today I had a good day ... right up until the evening when things started to show visible cracks to me. The Olds keep telling me how shit my choices are. There's a view out there that I don't know what risks I am taking and shouldn't be in charge of a baby's photo let alone an actual baby. Deeply, deeply hurtful, annoying and offensive. On so many levels.
The reflected loathing of my self, by my self, is hard to experience, not helped by Theia's pathetic breast feeding (bottles play a starring role in every feed), and Jaan's current habit of defying me and being sulky/spiteful just as a way of speaking, with 'Mummy I love you' sprinkled throughout his monologues/barked orders/rants, in a way that starts to seem empty after a while, or is that just the numbness...
I love Jaan so much, and wait with as much grace, patience, manners and numbness as I can muster, for when he forgets the BS and engages with me. Even more, I soak up the cuddles when he deems it time for such things. Theia is absorbing, she's a completely saturating experience. Literally sometimes what with all the milk I'm making. She is very good. Does as I would hope to expect - demands cleanliness, nourishment and society, sleeps a lot, keeps to her own natural timetable. I am glad for her.
Once again I suspect the thing to do is keep my head down. Might just avoid naysayers.
Sunday, 30 June 2013
prep for discharge meeting:
Concern 1: support & continuity = good mental health for Nadiya
Mum and Tanyapa to hand every day, involved in me & my kids.
Cathy, Debs & Katie have individually assured me weekly visits, along with daily support on phone and via text/Facebook will continue in order to maintain continuity. This has been in place for months, and it works, plus I am confident it will continue.
Other support on regular basis:
HV, GP, La Leche League meetings, children's centre, other friends/family.
Concern 2: getting overwhelmed
Been practicing strategies and they have worked so far. If things seem overwhelming -
a) stop, breathe, put Theia in cot/crib/moses basket. Give Jaan phone/Ipad so he is in one place by you.
b) tell someone you are overwhelmed or struggling with emotions, often talking it over defuses it all - Iain, Cathy, Katie, Debs, Christopher, Mamma, Tanyapa, Health Visitor, GP, Katie Gunn, Lamin at MIND.
c) ask for help if it's still too much
d) are you hungry? Tired? Do you need/want a Lorazepam - get someone to mind Theia while you take Lorazepam & sleep.
Concern 3: Violent thoughts/actions
a) breathing important.
b) walk/move. Time out break.
c) hug Jaan/Theia, I have chosen them over SH.
d) if the thoughts persist, tell Iain or Cathy and ask they stay with me/on the phone till I feel safe.
e) kids and pets reassure me, prefer them with me rather than away from me.
Concern 4: PTSD flashbacks, or SH episodes, i.e: I've lost control/been overcome/given in to the urge.
a) put Theia in cot/crib/moses basket. Give Jaan phone/Ipad so he is in one place, go out of earshot and call Iain or Cathy. Flashbacks are hard, I need help to come out of them if they get a grip on me, or wait it out, which is awful.
b) Call relevant health professional or speak when Iain/Cathy arranges a call.
c) follow instructions to calm down and move on.
Schedule
W/c Mon 1st July:
Mon - discharge meeting, Jaan at school/childminder till 17:30, Theia may come home. Iain around to help. His paternity leave will kick in this week or next week depending on when T comes home.
Tues - Theia may come home or be home, Tanyapa arrives around breakfast time to spend July with us all. She's based at Mamma's and will be with me a lot, playing, feeding and cooing over baby + helping about the house as she does.
Visits from outreach team, Katie Gunn and health visitor due to take place in this week.
Debs & Katie and Cathy will all visit once each during the week (Wed/Thu/Fri) for coffee and chat, cheers me up, they will bring me food etc for freezer too which will help, and will bottle feed, change a nappy etc which will give me a bit of a rest. This is a weekly thing with each godmother (in general). La Leche League meeting on Fri.
6th - 7th there are 2 kids birthday parties for Jaan, my birthday (take away food & chill out party for me at Cathy's on 7th night, or at ours, for us, Cathy's brood & Tanyapa + brood). Kung Fu demonstration for Jaan to take part in each afternoon, Parkers Piece big weekend - so plenty for Jaan & cousins to do, plenty of people to take them - brother in law, Mamma, Cathy ... I can focus on Theia and whoever doesn't do extra activities can keep me company.
2nd week:
Ramadan begins, Iain will be home so can drive Jaan about, and Jaan will come home to me on Tue for lunch before Tiny Tigers, after Lavender on Wednesday, and Friday from lunchtime, while Monday and Thursday after school he'll be with Michelle (childminder).
Mamma & Abba can spend a week chilling and settling into Ramadan.
Tanyapa around and available for me.
Visits from Cathy/Debs & Katie, plus this week and next week will see Chris&Rachel, Mostyn&Jules, Rumana, Shakila, Shima, Rafi&Fi, mother in law & father in law, times to be arranged.
Stuff to stick on 2 locations: Lounge (downstairs) and by changing station (upstairs)
List of phone numbers (Drs, outreach team, out of hours, mental health team, helplines, friends, family, WIFI key, taxi etc)
Reference sheet - IF ... DO ... list of common or probable scenarios and quick first steps to stay safe/resolve
Colours a baby could get + where to rush to reference sheet
Symptoms sheet for common baby emergencies/illnesses
First aid sheet
Resuscitation sheet
Baby - safe places to be:
upstairs: Amby hammock crib in the bedroom
Red (like a tiny sofa) chair with Summer baby pillow for safe feeding
downstairs: roving moses basket,
Graco SweetPeace baby swing,
travel cot (pac'n'play situation) which will serve as a small playpen.
Nanujaan's house
Mum and Tanyapa to hand every day, involved in me & my kids.
Cathy, Debs & Katie have individually assured me weekly visits, along with daily support on phone and via text/Facebook will continue in order to maintain continuity. This has been in place for months, and it works, plus I am confident it will continue.
Other support on regular basis:
HV, GP, La Leche League meetings, children's centre, other friends/family.
Concern 2: getting overwhelmed
Been practicing strategies and they have worked so far. If things seem overwhelming -
a) stop, breathe, put Theia in cot/crib/moses basket. Give Jaan phone/Ipad so he is in one place by you.
b) tell someone you are overwhelmed or struggling with emotions, often talking it over defuses it all - Iain, Cathy, Katie, Debs, Christopher, Mamma, Tanyapa, Health Visitor, GP, Katie Gunn, Lamin at MIND.
c) ask for help if it's still too much
d) are you hungry? Tired? Do you need/want a Lorazepam - get someone to mind Theia while you take Lorazepam & sleep.
Concern 3: Violent thoughts/actions
a) breathing important.
b) walk/move. Time out break.
c) hug Jaan/Theia, I have chosen them over SH.
d) if the thoughts persist, tell Iain or Cathy and ask they stay with me/on the phone till I feel safe.
e) kids and pets reassure me, prefer them with me rather than away from me.
Concern 4: PTSD flashbacks, or SH episodes, i.e: I've lost control/been overcome/given in to the urge.
a) put Theia in cot/crib/moses basket. Give Jaan phone/Ipad so he is in one place, go out of earshot and call Iain or Cathy. Flashbacks are hard, I need help to come out of them if they get a grip on me, or wait it out, which is awful.
b) Call relevant health professional or speak when Iain/Cathy arranges a call.
c) follow instructions to calm down and move on.
Schedule
W/c Mon 1st July:
Mon - discharge meeting, Jaan at school/childminder till 17:30, Theia may come home. Iain around to help. His paternity leave will kick in this week or next week depending on when T comes home.
Tues - Theia may come home or be home, Tanyapa arrives around breakfast time to spend July with us all. She's based at Mamma's and will be with me a lot, playing, feeding and cooing over baby + helping about the house as she does.
Visits from outreach team, Katie Gunn and health visitor due to take place in this week.
Debs & Katie and Cathy will all visit once each during the week (Wed/Thu/Fri) for coffee and chat, cheers me up, they will bring me food etc for freezer too which will help, and will bottle feed, change a nappy etc which will give me a bit of a rest. This is a weekly thing with each godmother (in general). La Leche League meeting on Fri.
6th - 7th there are 2 kids birthday parties for Jaan, my birthday (take away food & chill out party for me at Cathy's on 7th night, or at ours, for us, Cathy's brood & Tanyapa + brood). Kung Fu demonstration for Jaan to take part in each afternoon, Parkers Piece big weekend - so plenty for Jaan & cousins to do, plenty of people to take them - brother in law, Mamma, Cathy ... I can focus on Theia and whoever doesn't do extra activities can keep me company.
2nd week:
Ramadan begins, Iain will be home so can drive Jaan about, and Jaan will come home to me on Tue for lunch before Tiny Tigers, after Lavender on Wednesday, and Friday from lunchtime, while Monday and Thursday after school he'll be with Michelle (childminder).
Mamma & Abba can spend a week chilling and settling into Ramadan.
Tanyapa around and available for me.
Visits from Cathy/Debs & Katie, plus this week and next week will see Chris&Rachel, Mostyn&Jules, Rumana, Shakila, Shima, Rafi&Fi, mother in law & father in law, times to be arranged.
Stuff to stick on 2 locations: Lounge (downstairs) and by changing station (upstairs)
List of phone numbers (Drs, outreach team, out of hours, mental health team, helplines, friends, family, WIFI key, taxi etc)
Reference sheet - IF ... DO ... list of common or probable scenarios and quick first steps to stay safe/resolve
Colours a baby could get + where to rush to reference sheet
Symptoms sheet for common baby emergencies/illnesses
First aid sheet
Resuscitation sheet
Baby - safe places to be:
upstairs: Amby hammock crib in the bedroom
Red (like a tiny sofa) chair with Summer baby pillow for safe feeding
downstairs: roving moses basket,
Graco SweetPeace baby swing,
travel cot (pac'n'play situation) which will serve as a small playpen.
Nanujaan's house
baby bouncer chair.
second moses basket.
second travel cot (pac'n'play situation) which will serve as a small playpen.
Use sling.
Cathy's house
third travel cot (pac'n'play situation) which will serve as a small playpen.
Use sling.
Discharge meeting is tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
Looks like little T will come home Monday/Tuesday (woohoo). We can see her gorgeous face unimpeded now, as her nose tube for feeding is GONE.
We're very excited, putting the baby hammock together, moving furniture about. Much hoovering will be done!
I'm very glad of Sparkee and Pixie's company at this time actually, they are always good company, and very loving. The time at home without Theia is l o n g.
Cannot WAIT for Tanyapa to get here :) The sun will shine all over everything that has happened when she's here with me & T :)
Theia does a very good paddington-bear style stare. She swings her head to the side rooting for food. Can smell milk like a bloodhound on the scent, milk from metres away evoke the wide-mouthed-sideways-root. In between having the bottle in her mouth Theia stops for a breather, and calmly and sweetly smacks her chops and looks about with a very innocent look, butter wouldn't melt look.
Don't be fooled, she's doing a clandestine scout for more milk. She's on expressed milk, which she takes in her new bottles, made by MAM which are very high tech, they come apart to self sterilise in the microwave and all the nurses are fascinated.
Like most babies she sometimes just gets a pensive, thoughtful look, which culminates in loud nappy business, then back to the angelic look. She's probably thinking, no one will suspect a thing.
She had a bath the other evening, courtesy of Jaan, Iain and myself. She smells lovely with her bath stuff smell, which complements her own Theia smell. The poop/milk/hospital smell doesn't get a chance to linger. Small as she is, she's darned easy to keep clean. Theia did cry a lot, but was quiet and happy when she was in the water and while she was being shampooed.
Discharge meeting is tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
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