Parenting with a personality disorder is tough anyway. My depression on top of the usual up/down cycling is proving hard to manage. Sertraline, my current breastfeeding-friendly antidepressant is not cutting it. The dreams, flashbacks and horrible ideation episodes are really messing with me. My strategy is to keep knitting, playing sushi rush, sleeping, listening to the radio (Good Wives has been on IPlayer, and now there is Trollope's The American Senator) and I have my books to read on Kindle. I listen to The Archers, but TV is a bit too much. Don't watch that.
I have to keep away from T sometimes. It's a detachment that is so empty and ugly. The pain and guilt follows.
We've seen a good psychiatrist today, the switchover back to Venlafaxine has been organised. I have drug strategies and strategies to manage my emotions, things to do when there is a void of emotions. The psychiatric nurse, health visitor and SureStart lady should all be spending time with me each week.
The aims for me will shift all the time I expect - staying safe, getting well, enjoying life, participating in life - depending on how well I am each day, hour, minute .....
Depressing in itself, that.
Of course it's possible to see the shifting aims as positive, empowering, hopeful etc. I just can't see or feel that.
Am numb a lot, empty an awful lot, sad and guilty too - not guilty as in done something bad, just guilty of being someone with not much going for them, or sometimes someone who is a bad-stuff magnet, polluting innocent kids lives.
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