She's home

In the end a chastened (or perhaps chicken-shit scared) discharge team organised the Midgley exodus from SCBU without any meeting etc that I would have to go thru.

Leaving the building, the whole world looked different to me, I felt whole. Extraordinary moment.

We did plenty, attempting to reinforce the love in my life, in Theia's and all 4 of ours' life (for want of a better way of expressing it). First stop 1A Crowthorne Close to see the clan, including Tanyapa + brood. Then we took Tanyapa with us to get Jaan's Tiny Tigers badge sewn on (by Tanyapa) as I hadn't done it yet ... ceremony was on Saturday you see ... and we went on to Tiny Tigers, Mamma and the 3 grandkids were there, was nice to show Theia off.

The numbness surrounded me, a protective bubble, detachment that wasn't controlling me. Just as well. The idea that I take T out and about prompted one friend and of course my Olds to tell me it's a bad idea as she's vulnerable.

Today I had a good day ... right up until the evening when things started to show visible cracks to me. The Olds keep telling me how shit my choices are. There's a view out there that I don't know what risks I am taking and shouldn't be in charge of a baby's photo let alone an actual baby. Deeply, deeply hurtful, annoying and offensive. On so many levels.

The reflected loathing of my self, by my self, is hard to experience, not helped by Theia's pathetic breast feeding (bottles play a starring role in every feed), and Jaan's current habit of defying me and being sulky/spiteful just as a way of speaking, with 'Mummy I love you' sprinkled throughout his monologues/barked orders/rants, in a way that starts to seem empty after a while, or is that just the numbness...

I love Jaan so much, and wait with as much grace, patience, manners and numbness as I can muster, for when he forgets the BS and engages with me. Even more, I soak up the cuddles when he deems it time for such things. Theia is absorbing, she's a completely saturating experience. Literally sometimes what with all the milk I'm making. She is very good. Does as I would hope to expect - demands cleanliness, nourishment and society, sleeps a lot, keeps to her own natural timetable. I am glad for her.

Once again I suspect the thing to do is keep my head down. Might just avoid naysayers.